Fed up!

How does one begin to blog when they feel like a failure in the weight lost world. Life has been crazy busy but in a good way. I have seen the Lord provide for my family in the way of funds last month and continue to bless Him for it... yet despite all the good things.... I continue to struggle with this weight issue. I got my new Zumba DVDs and love them, but find it very hard to get up in the morning. I went shopping last week for new pants... I needed something a little less raggy looking. And sat in the dressing room and cried, the size that fit comfortably was a size bigger. I could fit in my size, it just wasn't too comfortable. After texting my friend she reminded me that I am beautiful no matter what size. It helped, but I was still frustrated. That Saturday I drove up to Sumas, WA to a Biblical Womanhood Seminar. It was on the Fruits of the Spirit. I picked Self Control and Patience (breakout sessions) to go to. I realized that while I may have self control in some areas, in weight management I don't. I came back with a new resolve to work out and set up a schedule for myself. That was all fine and dandy until yesterday. I got a "rejection" letter from a school. And that sent me into a downward spiral. I am beginning to wonder if I am supposed to be a teacher. I sat there and thought about last summer, and went... I don't know if I can go through this again. Then the cake eating frenzy began. UGH!!!!!!!!!!! I can not stand this weight. I want to be at least a size smaller for Arizona, otherwise I will be very hot and miserable! I am ready to go out and get some weight lost pills! Anything to help! I just am so tired of being FAT and tired of not being able to lose. No matter what I do, my best intentions are stopped. I just don't know how much more I can handle. I want to lose so bad, yet it eludes me. I continue to try to work more too, but find the jobs getting less and less and tutoring is starting to slow down too! This is so frustrating. I am continuing to pray to the Lord for guidance and help. I found a picture the other day of skinny me and boy do I miss that girl. I am so scared of getting involved in things because of my blasted weight... I feel UGLY and gross. I know I know.. I"M NOT... but that doesn't make the fat person in the mirror go away.
I feel like I am going insane... maybe I am.
Today I went and did some walking on the treadmill as I was very frustrated. I feel a little better, I haven't given up yet, just about ready too, hopefully this week will go much better than it started.